Aching

I’ve had one of “those” days when I was seriously tempted to go back to bed at 11:30 and not wake up until the sunrise tomorrow morning. Something within me was just a little of kilter. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t even realize it was there until I snapped at my husband while he was home for lunch. He gave me one of those, “I’m really glad we don’t have a gun in the house” looks as he went back to work.

I washed dishes. I cried. Loudly. And dripped tears in the dish water. The dogs and I went out the front porch and sat in the breeze. I cried. Longer. Louder. Harder. I prayed. I’m a little ashamed of some of what came out of my mouth, but I believe that God understands better than anyone both my heart and my humanity. When my tears traded themselves for a pounding headache, we went back inside.

A few hours later I finally realized what was wrong. Someone in my family is giving birth today. I go through this anytime a baby is born to my family or friends. It’s the ache of my soul crying out today. My brother and I had this conversation not long ago, and I tried explaining to him the conflicting feelings at work within me.

Wanting a baby is a desire unlike anything else. There is the desire itself which is overwhelming and sometimes physically painful. Then there is the anger that inevitably wells up when you hear about a pregnant teenager or a pregnant woman who doesn’t want the baby. Add to that the guilt you feel for being angry and the shame you feel for not being a bigger person. And nothing is worse than hearing a pregnant woman complain about being pregnant! On top of this, there is always someone waiting in the wings to berate you for not being happy enough for another person. Believe it or not, I am happy for others, but that happiness doesn’t negate my own pain or make my joy any less genuine.

It’s not any easier on pregnant women. Everyone around me knows how much I want a baby, so they all tip-toe around the subject, afraid to hurt my feelings. But you know what? My feelings are already hurt, and someone else’s joy isn’t going to do a thing to change them or hurt them even more. I’m going to cry. I’m going to be angry. I’m going to cringe as I buy onesies and wipes and diapers for the shower. I’m probably going to crochet a blanket and dream of the colors I want in my own nursery some day.

That’s just the way life works. The pain and the joy mix together in the most unlikely and inconvenient moments. It sucks right now, but I will face tomorrow bravely. And each day after that. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last few months, it’s that God has His hand on my life. He is directing me even when I don’t understand what is going on.

I certainly don’t get it today, but I am excited about meeting the newest family member.

My Collection

Some people collect coins. Others collect books. I know a few people who collect ex-spouses. Apparently, I collect exercise DVDs. I have enough DVDs to do a different workout each day for six weeks. I’m not entirely sure how this happened. Each time I go into a Ross or Big Lots, I scan the DVDs. They snuck up on me, really. But at least I have a quick reference for those moments when someone wants to know the difference between Mountain and Cobra poses or just the right way to sway hips during a hula dance. These are the important things in life, you know.

This obsession will come in handy starting tomorrow. I sat down at my computer and created my own gym schedule. My “gym” is closed on Tuesdays. Sundays are reserved for Qigong and Tai Chi. Mondays will be yoga and Pilates. Wednesdays is conditioning. Thursdays will be dance of some sort. Saturdays are for hardcore cardio. Then I dutifully organized all my DVDs in chronological order. It’s the only piece of my life that is in this degree of order.

Here’s to shedding the 30 pounds I gained in the last year and a half. And to my obsessive purchasing of off-the-wall DVDs.

Updates

I’m sure my header picture tells my current story (check out the two month old date!). Since I don’t have internet access at home, I am limited to posting whenever I have some free time at some other place. I’ve posted some on my other blog, and keep thinking that I need to put something over here. So here’s some of what’s been going on.

 A Bit of Refreshment

Mosaic

I Am Wonder Woman

Moonlight Sonata

Tough As Nails

Crisp. Clear. Refreshing.

Just Had to Share

Teenage Conversations

7.5 Years

What I’ve Been Reading

Overflowing

Now that I’ve posted some updates, my mind is settled enough to share what is really on it. Yesterday I went home and wrote in my journal: My heart has cried and filled my soul with its tears.

I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever had the opportunity to know. (And for those of you who know me, that’s a pretty high standard.) The school I’m at this year is an interesting place. Just take the pieces I’ve shared and put it together. It’s one of the lowest socio-economic areas settled next to one of the wealthiest sections of Florida. Most of my students are the children of farm workers. The parents work in the fields or packing houses from before sunrise to well past sunset and even into the wee hours of the morning. This back breaking work often provides for them a government-assisted duplex, Habitat for Humanity home, or a single-wide trailer shared with another family or two.

During our meeting yesterday, we discussing some rather disturbing information about some of our students. In the process, we decided to throw a small holiday party for our neediest students. The six of us put together a list and then decided to give them each a stocking filled with small gifts and some pizza.

When I say these kids are getting nothing for Christmas, I mean they are getting nothing. Some of them don’t even have their families at home. That thought alone breaks my heart when I think about how much Christmas means to a kid. I remember a few years when we had a very meager Christmas at my house, but I still cannot imagine having NOTHING to unwrap.

The conversation progressed, and we ended up going from sharing lunch together and exchanging gifts as a team to pooling our money to buy pizza and gifts for our neediest kids. The best part is that it didn’t stop there. We ended up almost fighting over who is going to buy a special gift for which kid.

I am moved by that level of compassion. And I am so excited to go shopping for my girls. One girl told me that she wants to learn the piano, and I offered to give her lessons in the morning (if I can remember to bring in my keyboard!). I’m going out to find her a keyboard to keep at home. I don’t know what I’m doing about the other one next.

And I’m so afraid that this is not coming across just the right way. It was such a beautiful moment. In fact, I’ve had many beautiful moments lately that I haven’t written about because I’m afraid my words won’t do it justice.

So now I need to go shopping.