Some Lessons You Never Learn in Marriage Counseling

It’s been quite a day around here. I woke up this morning and did my usual visualization/motivation activity. That just means I lie in bed with my eyes closed picturing what I want to get accomplished during the day and telling myself with all the gusto of a cheerleader, “Okay, you’re going to get 3 loads of laundry done, write for 2 hours, and pay the bills today. PAY THOSE BILLS!” It’s hokey, I know, but it seems to work for me.

An hour later, I was almost done with the writing had to finish (see, it works) and had a great chat with my sister. That’s when the great bear…er, husband, decided to get out of bed. Apparently it was two hours later than he wanted to get up, and he was rather transparent about how that made him feel. Let’s just say my usual, “I love you” was replaced with a short, “Please don’t raise your voice to me first thing in the morning.”

That’s not exactly my favorite way to start the day. It didn’t get any better.

We had to go buy a tarp to replace the one that was split by a storm the other night. I was driving. I personally believe all marriage vows for women should include the phrase, “I promise to never drive the car while you are in the passenger seat having a bad day.” My dear husband likes to sit in the passenger seat alternately checking the speedometer and whispering expletives just loud enough for me to hear but quiet enough for him to pretend he said nothing. After 15 minutes of this, a few reminders that the light is GREEN!, and a stern reprimand for going 50 in a 30 (“It’s a 4-point ticket!!!!), I was ready to slap him.

Oh, yes, my hand was burning. My nails left scars on the steering wheel.

Maybe it was the shade of burgundy in my face or clenching my jaw so tightly I couldn’t speak, but he got the point that I was done. He cracked some jokes. He opened the door for me. He asked some questions about my day. And my life in general. By the time we made our final stop, I was on limited speaking terms. Of course, I got a little revenge by making him stand by as I tried on shoes and asked his opinion of each one. And I don’t care that he said he never looks at my shoes. He’s the first one to point out when he thinks I’ve paired something that doesn’t match.

It’s still a little icy around here tonight. I really don’t care since I’m not ovulating or anything like that.

I think I might skip the whole visualization thing tomorrow.

Please Turn in Your Dream Dictionaries to Page 318

I had one of those dreams last night that was so vivid and emotionally consuming for me that I can still picture it at noon. There’s no doubt in my mind just what issues my brain was working through. They were pretty much spraypainted all over my subconsious mind.

The funny thing is that I woke this morning with a new sense of hope, something I haven’t felt in a long time. I don’t know if it was God or just my own mind reassuring me that everything is okay, but I KNOW that it will all be okay. In fact, one part of the dream was very specific about certain issues that have bothered me lately.

I know I’m not the only person who thinks about dreams and what they may or may not mean. A quick internet search for “dream meaning” proves this. Personally, I believe that dreams are a venue for our brains to play around with images, ideas, and emotions that we might normally filter out during the day. That said, I also believe they are place where God, our bodies, and our minds can speak to us. After all, we’re pretty much a captive audience. I’m curious what others think about dreams.

1. Why do you think we have dreams?
2. How do you know which dreams have an applicable meaning and which are just nonsense?
3. Do even nonsense dreams have a meaning?

I Fully Expect Someone to Misunderstand This Post

I yelled at God the other night. I sat on my porch soaking up the damp night air and poured out my heart to Him. My frustrations and fears came gushing out amidst the sobs and gut-wrenching pain deep within my soul. The pain was physically real.

At one point, I lashed out with something about how angry I was at Him. Yes, at Him. After all, He’s the great creator of everything. He holds in His power the ability to anything…ANYTHING in my life. And yet, for now, he’s chosen not to do one thing that I want more than anything else right now.

I swear, I could see Him smile at me that knowing smile as He listened to my great display of bitching and moaning. His response was just as clear as could be. “Yeah, you’re right. So if I’m the one who can do ANYTHING and knows EVERYTHING, don’t you think I would if it was the right time?”

This certainly was not the answer I really expected. Nor is it the one I really deserved. Yet, I can say I walked away from that experience with a new knowledge of God’s power. I never before realized that I really do believe in miracles. I really do believe that God has the ability to literally do anything in my life: real, tangible ANYTHING.

And I sense a deeper presence in my life than I did before. There’s a lifted veil in my soul, and I truly believe this is what a relationship with God is all about. The place where I can be real and through that honesty offer whatever I have to Him.

Because You Can Never Get Too Tired of Hearing Someone Complain About the Government

As I sat at my computer working on a writing project and waiting for the goose to finish his bath, I heard a bump outside. I don’t startle easily, but my dogs do, and they proceeded to go berserk, running from window to window letting me know that SOMETHING is outside. Something that could be dangerous or at least fun to sniff.

There was, in fact, a couple outside. My dogs and I watched them pull out a piece of aluminum and then stomp on it until it was flattened. They folded it over. As I’m writing this, they’re trying to figure out how it will fit in their van. I gotta tell ya, that kind of ingenuity simply amazes me, and it’s one of the reasons I get so angry when someone tries to tell me the government is the only salvation for people.

I come from the school of thought that if you want something, you go for it. Period. There’s always a way out there. Health insurance? My slightly overweight husband with a history of back and ear surgeries qualified for health, dental, vision, and life insurance for a price that’s 1/5 of my monthly gas bill. It’s better coverage than what I get through work.

Looking for an education? I worked at a college making just enough money to pay my monthly $250 rent payment with a little left over for utilities and food. I walked to work each day and sometimes worked a part time job at a sandwich shop to save up money for a $600 car. No, I won’t say it was easy, especially when I was walking home at 10:00 at night to eat my dinner of ramen noodles with soy sauce, but I’m glad I did it.

I could go on with example after example from my own life and those around me. I know single mothers who manage to take care of their kids and save money. I’ve cleaned out my own kitchen cupboards to help feed a family. It may take some extra effort. It may require more energy or time. But there’s not a single person out there who is not capable of taking charge of their own life and DOING SOMETHING WITH IT.

Government is not the answer to our problems. The real answer lies within us and our ability to accept responsibility and live responsibly. If that means digging around in the woods for abandoned scrap metal to pay for dinner, so be it. God bless America!

Because I Want to Feel Like I Get SOMETHING for the Taxes I Pay

I am so completely in love with the public library right now. Just the thought of the place makes me blush. It is the most perfect concept ever created. Right after techno music and 400-thread count sheets.

I’ve known for a while now that the library carries DVDs and CDs in addition to ALL THOSE BOOKS about ancient wars and alcoholic writers. I just didn’t realize exactly what they had until I was frantically searching for Charlie Chaplin’s “The Gold Rush” to show to my students.

Today I picked up a movie they had on hold for me. (See how great this is, I can request a specific title that they have anywhere in the county. They have it waiting for me at the location I choose!) I also came home with the entire second season of “Family Ties”.

I sat down to watch some it a little while ago. Other than Big Bang Theory and The Office, I can’t think of the last show that made me giggle quite like this one. The whole experience was such a delight. I so needed to laugh tonight, and this did the trick. Now I just need to hold out until this weekend when I can have a “Family Ties” marathon. I know, party at my house!

In other news, I finally updated my photo blog. I should keep up with it now that I have internet access at home and have figured out the subtle art of uploading photographs on dial-up. Of course, I also have the fabulous free wi-fi at the public library. It might be a nice change of pace to use it for something other than catching up on myspace.

For Those Mornings When the Sunrise Doesn’t Make You Feel Like Dancing

It took me several years to finally admit it, but I struggle with depression from time to time. This was a frightening realization for me because I didn’t quite understand the difference between my mother’s bipolar cycles of depression and the everyday, run-of-the-mill variety. In fact, depression is considered the “common cold” of psychology/psychiatry. No one is completely immune to it, but some of us are more susceptible than others.

I can’t say that I’ve figured out the perfect solution yet. Just this morning I had one of those “just-want-to-crawl-under-the-covers-and-stay-in-bed-all-day” feelings wash over me with the first rays of the sun. Fortunately, I suspected this was coming, and last night I tool some 5-HTP before I went to bed.

Here’s my little pitch for this wonder product. 5-HTP helps balance the seratonin in your brain. When seratonin gets too low (like with depression), you don’t sleep well. If you suffer from depression, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For me, anyway, taking this stuff when I feel my mood sinking helps stave it off. Of course, I still have to work through my emotions and thoughts, but I can deal with that when my physical body is working.

Now that I woke up rested for a change, I just might be able to get some things crossed off my to-do list. I put it together at 1:00 a.m., and it’s quite lengthy. But if scheduling my time doesn’t seem to do anything for my, have a stinkin’ list seems to keep everything in perspective. Something about it brings out the divide and conquer instinct within me.

(Fingers crossed that I finish my niece’s quilt in the next few days.)

Swim Suit Season

I’ve really been craving some Cool Cafe Blues coffee from Barnie’s, and I set out to the one Barnies store in town. It just happens to be at an outlet mall, so I did my usual stop in Gap Outlet (love that store) and then popped in to the swim suit shop.

I’m not picky about swimsuits. Right now I’m wearing a pair of boardshorts with a tankini top to the beach. That’s perfectly fine with me, but the top is really a size too big. Every time I go in the water, I end up with breasts floating around OUTSIDE MY TOP. Getting out of the water intact takes this whole procedure that involves contorting and pulling and…well, it makes me feel like I have OCD.

So as I was trying on a brown with aqua polka dots skirt/suit, I noticed a little poster on the wall. It was some sort of guide for finding the perfect suit for your body. You know, if you have a bulging stomach, look for this or long torso, look for that.

That’s great if you have just one body issue. I don’t think I’d even care about hiding just one body issue. What the hell are you supposed to do if you have a bulging stomach, wide hips, overflowing breasts, and large thighs ALL AT THE SAME TIME?

For now, I’m still in the same too big top. Please, out of sake for my dignity, avert your eyes if you see me swimming toward shore.

Still Waking at the Usual Time

When I go to bed tonight, I’m still setting my alarm clock for 5:15 a.m. For one thing, June 2 means no more to the dogs in this house than October 15. For another, just because I’m not driving 24 miles to my classroom, doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do.

No one tells you when you go into teaching that you have no real life from August to June. None. Being gone from 6:20-6:00 each day doesn’t leave much time for scrubbing the kitchen sink (sorry Flylady) or putting away clothes. And let’s just stay away from the topic of closet space.

Rest assured that I’m not a clean freak or anything (far from it). It’s just that I won’t be able to cook a full meal or critique Einstein’s theory of relativity until I’ve moved the assorted boxes and crates filled with young adult novels and paper trays to somewhere other than the middle of my guest room.

So even though I’m on “vacation”, I already have a schedule for the week that includes time for freelance writing, house organizing, fun writing/business junk, and exercise. I’ll cram the spare time I have with various doctor and dentist appointments that I have no time to take care of during the school year.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to at least log 30 miles of walking/running this week, prepare for my niece’s visit, and start fading my “tan” again after my day at the beach. I also want to update my website and cook some real meals for a change. I have some pictures and other items of not-so-much interest to share.

Of course, I’m already behind schedule. I have 25 short articles that have to be done by Tuesday. I’m not even finished with half of the outlines. There goes my Monday.