Aching

I’ve had one of “those” days when I was seriously tempted to go back to bed at 11:30 and not wake up until the sunrise tomorrow morning. Something within me was just a little of kilter. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t even realize it was there until I snapped at my husband while he was home for lunch. He gave me one of those, “I’m really glad we don’t have a gun in the house” looks as he went back to work.

I washed dishes. I cried. Loudly. And dripped tears in the dish water. The dogs and I went out the front porch and sat in the breeze. I cried. Longer. Louder. Harder. I prayed. I’m a little ashamed of some of what came out of my mouth, but I believe that God understands better than anyone both my heart and my humanity. When my tears traded themselves for a pounding headache, we went back inside.

A few hours later I finally realized what was wrong. Someone in my family is giving birth today. I go through this anytime a baby is born to my family or friends. It’s the ache of my soul crying out today. My brother and I had this conversation not long ago, and I tried explaining to him the conflicting feelings at work within me.

Wanting a baby is a desire unlike anything else. There is the desire itself which is overwhelming and sometimes physically painful. Then there is the anger that inevitably wells up when you hear about a pregnant teenager or a pregnant woman who doesn’t want the baby. Add to that the guilt you feel for being angry and the shame you feel for not being a bigger person. And nothing is worse than hearing a pregnant woman complain about being pregnant! On top of this, there is always someone waiting in the wings to berate you for not being happy enough for another person. Believe it or not, I am happy for others, but that happiness doesn’t negate my own pain or make my joy any less genuine.

It’s not any easier on pregnant women. Everyone around me knows how much I want a baby, so they all tip-toe around the subject, afraid to hurt my feelings. But you know what? My feelings are already hurt, and someone else’s joy isn’t going to do a thing to change them or hurt them even more. I’m going to cry. I’m going to be angry. I’m going to cringe as I buy onesies and wipes and diapers for the shower. I’m probably going to crochet a blanket and dream of the colors I want in my own nursery some day.

That’s just the way life works. The pain and the joy mix together in the most unlikely and inconvenient moments. It sucks right now, but I will face tomorrow bravely. And each day after that. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last few months, it’s that God has His hand on my life. He is directing me even when I don’t understand what is going on.

I certainly don’t get it today, but I am excited about meeting the newest family member.

This Is Me Trying to De-Stress

MY DE-STRESS LIST
* de-stress…what is causing my stress
* get rid of the clutter in house (index card for each room)
* 10 min. each day working on clutter
* do yoga or take bath at night for 20 min.
*——————————–
* exercise 30 min. each day
* xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
* 10 min. each day to go over list
* 20 min. each day to do something around the house
* figure out what the heck is going on this summer

All I Really Want…er…Need

A “need” is not an option, it is something you must have to function fully. It is differentiated from a “want” in that a want is optional.

Someone may need to drill a hole in my head and attempt to stuff this concept inside.

I got back a little while ago after spending 3 1/2 hours at the emergency room. Almost 3 weeks ago, I found myself getting incredibly exhausted during the day. It was so bad at one point that I actually almost fell asleep on a roller coaster. I’m not kidding. I chalked it up to the end of the school year chaos and thought it would be gone by now. Instead, in the last week, I’ve been sleeping close t0 16 hours a day and walking in a fog very much like the aura you get before a migraine.

The urgent care doctor sent me immediately to the ER for stroke and MS tests. (For the record, one of these is one of my greatest fears.) I had a slew of blood tests, x-rays, and a cat scan done…all to the amusement of the triage nurse. After all of this, the doctor told me, “Well, I have good news…everything seems okay.” And then he asks about depression. My regular doctor usually asks about anxiety. My bet is on stress.

So I took a little online stress test and scored 483. Perhaps the extra hours at work, Alan’s surgery, our finances, the possible move, family and marital problems, and even my poison ivy have all caught up with me. I read the quote above in an article on reducing stress, and now I’m trying to figure out what exactly I *need*, how to ask for it, and what to do if I don’t get it. After all, how exactly do you go about getting a need met when it involves another person who may or may not cooperate. A dios mios!

I’m not a terribly complicated person. My needs are relatively simple. At least, I think so. I’m not even sure *what* I need. Oh dear…the more I think about it, the scarier it is. I’m not even sure I can admit it. Here I was all prepared to list my needs, but I think I need to figure out how to articulate them.

There’s my little update for today…and my stalling. I must DE-STRESS!

A Walk in My Moccassins

I’m tired. I don’t say this often. I’m usually too busy to even notice it, but this time it’s unavoidable. I slap the snooze button three or four times each morning, while convincing myself that it’s okay to skip a shower for 20 more minutes of sleep. Did I really just admit that? See how tired I am?

Ugh. I’m going to bed…soon…I really am. When I recover from my current state of exhaustion, I have lots of ideas to share.

To bed…I must go…

Itching in My Skin

I spent most of the morning wishing like hell I could find a valium…or a xanax…somewhere in the deep recesses of my purse. No such luck. It’s hard to describe what it’s like to be caught between the feeling of my soul forming a black hole and spontaneously combusting, but that’s pretty much it.

This old beast apparently appears when I’ve ignored my intuition for far too long. The thoughts in my head are jumbled like oak tree roots. I have this overwhelming desire to just rip my skin off. (I started writing a poem about wanting to rip off my skin.) Nothing takes my mind off the flashing lights in my head. It hurts to breathe.

It’s bad this time because what’s in front of me is very quickly becoming a time issue. I have a hard time saying this to the one person who needs to hear it the most, so I guess I’ll just practice here. I’m struggling with loneliness right now. It’s not simply a matter of not having friends. I do have friends. I love them dearly. They listen to this crap enough. I’m talking the feeling of wandering through life alone. And I mean wandering.

This loneliness is overwhelming right now. It’s difficult to be different and follow your values…and stick by them. My decisions don’t always make me the most popular kid on the block. That’s okay with me. What I want more than anything is to hear someone defend me for a change. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about how I need to forgive people and to guard my heart against hatred. If you know me, you know that’s the last thing I need to worry about. I just want someone to pick up the baton that’s fallen from my hand, give it back to me, and say, “I’m here…and it’s okay to follow your heart.”

One day, I do hope this cloud will lift. I do hope that I will find the courage to say the things I desperately need to say to my loved ones. I’m not sure how much more of this I can handle. Of course, my therapist would tell me that’s a good thing because feeling pain leads to change. (That’s my cheesy slogan.)