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My mother and grandmother just left, and my house is back to it’s typical quiet stillness, except for the occasional sound of dog nails sliding on the floor. I’m sad. This is the exact same feeling I’d get after each holiday or extended visit with my grandparents or cousins when I was a child.
Even though I knew we’d see each other again, I’d sit in the back seat and cry most of the way home. That heart-in-a-vise-grip bawling that never seems like it will go away and makes you feel so silly when it finally does.
And it does. Eventually.
So here I am with way too much work to do and not one ounce of desire to do any of it. I’d much rather hop in the car and drive over to the beach where I could cry behind the cover of sunglasses and the pounding of the ocean waves. But life goes on, and my grandmother purposely cleaned my house so I could focus solely on the work she knows I have to do today.
I wonder why it hurts so much, and yet I already know the answer. I guess I just thought that I’d reach a point in my life when I could say good-bye to the people I love without the lump in my throat.
At least I can recognize this feeling and embrace it, as painful as that is. Two years of therapy paid off in that I’ll sit here and cry just long enough to clear my head instead of eating the rest of the macaroni and cheese my grandmother made for me. Or making a pitcher of margaritas. You have no idea what progress that is for me.
There’s a comfort in knowing that I do view my family as people I’d rather wrap around my life. Still, none of that changes the fact that my heart aches right now. So I’ll let it ache.
I’m sure my header picture tells my current story (check out the two month old date!). Since I don’t have internet access at home, I am limited to posting whenever I have some free time at some other place. I’ve posted some on my other blog, and keep thinking that I need to put something over here. So here’s some of what’s been going on.
My sister and I had a conversation last weekend that has haunted me all week. For one thing, just that fact that we had a conversation was a shocker. We haven’t talked like this since February. Our interactions have been strained “how’s the weather” discussions at two family weddings and a bridal shower. I suppose that’s a story for another day, but suffice it to say that I’ve missed talking to her because as much as I hate to admit it sometimes, she knows pieces of me that no one else will ever understand. It must have something to do with our shared DNA.
She said something about how much it bothers her that people cannot be happy for another person’s good fortune. I listened to her for a while, and we eventually hung up, but I haven’t been able to shake her words since then. All week, I’ve thought about times when I sat back and sulked when everyone around me seemed to be riding along on the great train of life. Yeah, it’s hard to jump up and applaud when you’re the one left behind. Dr. Seuss was right: unslumping yourself is not easily done. At the same time, how fair is it to expect those around us to feel the same thrills we do for new milestones?
A few days later my brother called to tell me that he and his wife are expecting a baby next summer. I’m happy for them and cannot wait to have another nephew or neice. At the same time, if I had not been in the parking lot at work, I would have crawled under the covers and wasted away my day hiding from the sun. My sister’s words echoed in my head, and I really searched my soul that morning. My happiness for them is genuine, but it’s not as great as it would be if I wasn’t in my current situation of hoping for a baby of my own. That is all I have to offer. For better or worse, that has to be enough.
I just finished loading boxes into my vehicle. Before I drove to Kissimmee last night, my dear one told me to “load up as many boxes as possible.” This tells me that 1. We will be moving in to the new place very soon; and 2. I haven’t boxed up as much stuff as I thought I had.
When I signed up for this new stage in my life, this was not exactly what I had in mind. I am *still* sleeping on the floor in our friends’ house…still eating way too much fast food…still driving six hours each weekend…still wearing the same clothes and flip-flops to work each week…still going to work with bare ears…still waiting to see how our money situation is going to work out. It’s the earrings situation that really gets to me.
I had a rather emotional week. The a/c condenser in my truck went out, and my lovable, gear-head husband took it one evening so he could replace the part. This gave me a chance to sit in the new place during a fabulous thunderstorm. The batteries in my portable t.v. died, and I curled up with my journal and wrote. And cried. And grieved a very difficult loss for me. What a beautiful moment!
I also flipped through my journal that evening and came across a very brief entry I wrote in February. We had gone to the concert of my dear friend and former boss that night and went back stage to say hello to him and his family. I wrote about how when he saw me, he grabbed me and held me in a hug tighter than I’ve ever felt in my life and half-sobbed, “Oh, my Allison!” in my ears. I can’t even put into words just how loved I felt in that moment. I needed that reminder this week.
It was such an interesting juxtaposition for me. This year has been a year of loss for me. Nadia moved. I left my comfortable job. My sister stopped speaking to me. My loss this week cut even deeper than these. Yet, I still have hope. I still sense promise. I still believe that the dust will eventually settle, my mind will rest, and everything around me will fall into place.
In the end, I suppose this is what life is really all about.
